Tips for Married Women -- Alternative Methods of Getting Your Own Way

Over the course of the last few weeks there's been a minor controversy over an article I wrote here awhile back, entitled "Tips for Married Women--How to Romance Your Husband." It would appear that there are some ladies out there who think my suggestions are more appropriate for Wilma Flintstone and Betty Rubble than they are for any 21st-century woman. So in an attitude of fairness, it is for these ladies that I introduce two alternative options to a happier marriage. And I'll honestly try to behave.

First, meet Amy Sutherland. Her take on the male/female relationship is a simple one: Treat your husband like an animal and he'll behave. (I can hear the cheering already.)

Sutherland is a journalist who spent a year at an animal-trainer school and decided to apply the trainers' techniques to her husband's annoying habits. After all, if a huge killer whale can be trained to jump out of the water when a trainer raises her arms, why can't the same principles apply to a brute of a man? (Although why you'd want a grown man to jump out of a tank of water on command is beyond me. Then again, I'm not a female, so I couldn't hope to understand.)

Sutherland "taught" her husband to stop storming around the house when he couldn't find his keys by using a technique called "Least Reinforcing Scenario", where she ignored his ranting and refused to aid him in his search. She also "trained" him to stop snitching samples while she cooked by utilizing "Incompatible Behaviors", setting a bowl of chips and salsa at the other end of the room. She watched his actions change and claims she now has a happier marriage because of it. (Of course, her husband now cowers and whimpers in the corner anytime he can't find something immediately, and has gained more than 40 pounds since her experiment began. Maybe she likes him better that way.)

Sutherland has authored a book about her experiences, "What Shamu Taught Me About Life, Love and Marriage," and a movie is rumored to be in development. She claims that this strategy works on women as well as men, but society doesn't exactly support her beliefs. Her critics argue that humans are not as easily manipulated as dogs or marine mammals, and claim that books such as Sutherland's reinforce war-of-the-sexes stereotypes about women using their feminine wiles to manipulate simple-minded men. It's not like literature, television shows, and movies haven't promoted the concept of the manipulative woman getting the brain-dead male to do whatever she wants. And It doesn't help when a new BBC reality show called "Bring Your Husband to Heel" features a professional dog trainer teaching wives how to get their husbands to sit and stay. (Nope, I can't see how attitudes like that promote discord between the sexes. Oh, by the way, darling, I'm not doing another d***ed thing around the house until you get this choke chain off my neck!)

For those of you ladies who prefer to be more subtle using your feminine charms, meet Nina DiSesa, author of the book "Seducing the Boys Club." She proposes that women use a gender-specific approach to changing men's behavior, especially in the work place. DiSesa suggests that women should use their femininity to manipulate the men they work with and advance their careers. Compliment a male co-worker on his ideas, and sweetly ask him if he has any others. "Women use these tactics with men all the time," she says. "We're mothers, wives, girlfriends, sisters. We know how to handle men, we just don't do it at work." (Yeah, men know how to handle women in the workplace, too--but when THEY do it, it's called "sexual harrassment." Either way, I don't see how flirting with someone of the opposite sex at work makes a marriage stronger. My guess is it would probably go the other way. But again, that's just me.)

DiSesa says she found that eliminating criticism and confrontation and using "S and M," seduction and manipulation, allowed her to get her way. Moreover, she insists those who use the process shouldn't admit to their manipulations. "If people think I'm being conniving, I am," she says. "But if men see it coming, they'll duck." (Wait a second...if men are smart enough to see it coming and duck, they can't be manipulated...but you said men are stupid enough to be manipulated...so which one is it? Could you make up your mind, Nina? Oops, I forgot again...women don't HAVE to make up their minds. They can have their cake and eat it too. Silly me!)

To help make the point that men aren't as dumb as these two female authors make them out to be, Sutherland's husband caught on to her experiment, and started retaliating, using her own techniques against her. Because of it, they now use "Shamu" as a verb ("Are you shamuing me?"). (Bravo, Mr. Sutherland! I only wish your wife and Ms. DiSesa had bothered to try their techniques on the female of the species, to see if both sexes can be controlled and manipulated. However, I'm sure that women would see right through the phony mask from the beginning. After all, it takes one to know one.)

The bottom line is that certain techniques like "shamuing" and manipulation may work on small problems in a relationship. But Marlin Potash, psychotherapist and author of "Hidden Agendas: What's Really Going On in Your Relationships," is concerned that using these skills to deal with larger issues like obsessive and addictive behavior, abuse, lack of communication, or sexual incompatibility will result in more harm than good. This can also lead to a lack of trust on both parties in the relationship. (Notice: That's coming from a FEMALE psychotherapist!)

So, you ladies who thought the suggestions in my previous article stunk, you have two other options. Pick your poison, but don't come crying to me when your manipulations come back to bite you in the behind. And a word to your spouses/significant others: RUN! DON'T EVEN LOOK BEHIND YOU! JUST RUN AS FAST AS YOU CAN! (Oh, and one more thing: Studies show that humor tends to defuse tension in a given situation and makes it a little easier to deal with the problem. As Mary Poppins sings, "Just a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down / In a most delightful way." So consider this article my gift of sugar--the real stuff, artificial sweetener, whichever you like, I don't care.)