Christmas Legalities
Posted: Sunday, December 25, 2005
by Danny Davids
December 26, 2005
Brown, Jones, Smith, and Kapnitski, Attorneys At Law
New York, New York
Dear Mr. Claus:
We’d like to take this opportunity to thank you for the wonderful job you did this past Christmas Eve. All of the partners at our firm greatly appreciate the presents we found under our trees and will put them to excellent use.
We feel a lengthy court battle can be avoided, and your good name salvaged, if you will make a few reasonable concessions (please see attachment B). We look forward to hearing from you on this matter at your earliest convenience.
Sincerely,
Charles Kapnitski, Attorney At Law
December 27, 2005
S. Claus International, Legal Division
Holly, Jolly, and Elfen, Attorneys At Law
North Pole, Earth
Gentlemen:
Mr. Claus has asked us as his legal counsel to express his pleasure that you are enjoying the presents you received this year. Use them in good health.
We are disappointed that the groups you mentioned in your letter feel it necessary to take legal action against our client in this matter. He is a greatly respected individual not only in the United States, but around the world as well. His reputation is without blemish, and we can understand why you would express concern that it remain so. However, our legal firm has done some research which we would feel remiss in not reporting to you.
First, we feel the numbers you quoted in your first attachment concerning those individuals who claim to be offended are grossly exaggerated. Based on the nearly overwhelming number of letters our client receives every year from all around the world, a significant number of children and their parents expect our client to honor at least some of their requests. These children come from various economic, ethnic, religious, and cultural backgrounds. In fact, if you’ll compare our list of names against yours (please see our attachment A-1) you’ll see that a sizeable number of them coming from the groups allegedly “offended" by our client’s activities. We find it strange that those who claim to take offense against our client are allowing their children to exacerbate what they feel is a problem. We are certain, however, that once these individuals are allowed to testify in court, they can explain the apparent contradiction between their legal claims and their actions.
We can understand why you would believe your recommended concessions are reasonable. However, removing words from traditional Christmas phrases and replacing them with what you term “religion-neutral" terms such as “Happy Holidays" or “Season’s Greetings" or “Merry Solstice" only changes the wording. The true meaning of those unspoken words remains in the hearts of those who truly believe, and these individuals will not be afraid to speak out on the matter. In fact, your attempt to stifle those who would express their beliefs only emphasizes the issue, making many more people aware of what your clients are attempting to do. Instead of confidently brushing the issue under the rug, you will be bringing it out into the open, allowing the public to weigh in with their opinions.
If logic does not help your clients understand the futility of their suit, then maybe fiscal liability will. Your recommendation that our client remove all evidence of religious influence from his activities is not only unreasonable but potentially devastating to the world economy. While many of our client’s actions are based on traditional Christian practices over the centuries, many more stem from non-Christian and pagan religious practices dating back several centuries before the birth of Christ. The lighting and decorating of trees, the preparation of large feasts for family and friends, and especially the exchanging of gifts have been practices that have been in place in all religious cultures during this time of year. It would mean that our client would have to shut down his operation completely. Retailers around the world would lose billions of dollars in sales. Because so many companies do the majority of their business during this season, they would find themselves forced to shut down due to lack of sales. People would lose their jobs, unemployment would rise dramatically, and the world economy would grind to a halt. We do hope that your clients have great faith in you and have deep pockets as well, considering that they (and you) will no doubt be inundated with a flurry of lawsuits claiming lost incomes, lost livelihoods, and of course the mandatory pain and suffering.
We look forward to meeting with you and your clients in court to resolve this issue.
Sincerely,
Bernard Elfen, Attorney At Law
P.S. Our accounting department has already modified the database for next Christmas. You will be pleased to know that you and your partners have been moved to the “Naughty" list.
About the author: Danny Davids is a self-admitted Christmas celebrant who really does wish Mr. Claus’s legal council would write such a letter to whomever it may concern.
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Top-level comments on this article: (2 total)I love this! Very funny Danny!
Mr. Davids, We're deeply moved by your ernest support for the tradition and values of CHRISTMAS. We have just today made a substantial contribution to the "S. Claus Defense Fund" (Scud-F), leaving the money in the hands of our local church. Brgd D&M
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