Things Men Don't Need--A Regular Guy's Point of View

Men's Health Magazine recently published an article concerning 18 things men no longer need in their lives. I read the article and thought, "Who the heck do these people think they are?" Somebody is trying to tell me that I'm too mature to have a Nerf basketball hoop in my living room (actually, that would be for my wife, not me), or a game system (I have a GameCube, would love a Wii), or less that $20 in cash in his wallet (can you say "debit card")? If I want to buy a futon, or own a "lucky" shirt, or name my body parts, what business is it of anybody else's? Who makes the author of this article the authority on what is best for my life?

So I stormed and fretted (do real men fret?) for awhile. After I calmed down a bit, I was willing to consider the possibility that the author (a male) might be trying to protect his compadres, since it's supposedly a truth that men don't think for themselves very well. Maybe there ARE a few things that a guy like me in the 21st century could do without. So I thought it through and came up with my own list. Please realize this reflects my personal views, and is presented here as a means for men to start an internal dialog about what they can eliminate in their lives. It does not imply that all men should follow this list.

1. Women who treat me like a child. You hear it all the time, the married woman with two kids who tells her friends, "Yes, I have three children at home." If she truly believes that, she needs to be reported to Child Protective Services and charged with sexual abuse of a child, or at the very least referred to counseling concerning her attraction to much younger, um, men. And if a co-worker decides it's okay to joke about my immaturity, then we need to check the child labor laws, don't we? I'm no mysogynist, but women need to realize that males are different from females in all kinds of ways, and that different doesn't mean bad or wrong. Tolerance and acceptance of diversity, ladies, remember that.

2. A membership to any organization that requires me to wear a suit or uniform. I'm not talking work. I'm talking country clubs, churches, volunteer organizations, groups of that nature where I'm attending their function on my own time. If you can't accept me in my jeans and sport shirt, then you don't want me as badly as you claim you do. You might desire my money--okay, you most likely need my money--but we are a package deal. If my appearance isn't good enough for you, my cash isn't either.

3. A spotless domicile. Any guy who does nothing but clean his residence (or expects his significant other to do the same) needs to get a life. I want to live in a clean home, and I pick up after myself (usually), but I don't have to eat off the floor or see myself in the windows. I adhere to the adage "My home is clean enough to be healthy and dirty enough to be happy." Now if I could just convince my wife...!

4. A million-dollar home, a fancy sports car, expensive jewelry, etc. It is not my goal in life to impress other people with my job description or my income. I buy the things I want because I want them, not because the next-door neighbor has them or my friends or co-workers expect me to own them. If you don't like my modest home, or my 11-year-old Toyota Camry, or my lack of bling, that's your problem, and most likely I wouldn't want to associate with you anyway.

5. Unsolicited advice. "You know what you need to do to fix that?" Actually, yes I do. I need to stop listening to the uninformed masses and self-proclaimed experts, and start following my gut and doing what is best for me. If it doesn't work out, at least I know who to blame, and he's pretty good at accepting responsibility for his own screwups.

6. Totally serious people. The person who can't appreciate the humor in farting in church, or who is afraid to laugh in public, is not going to be in my contacts list. Life is sad enough as it is. If you can't find something to laugh at, you're too depressing for me.

7. Alcohol and recreational drugs. I'm not knocking the person who has a glass of wine with dinner, or a beer after work. But if your idea of having a good time is to get so drunk you end up paying homage to the porcelain god, or so stoned you pass out, then I don't think we need to associate. You haven't watched enough episodes of "Cops" to figure out that excessive inebriation and reaching altered states of consciousness via illegal substances usually results in a run-in with law enforcement. Those fines and jail sentences are too restricting on my budget.

And finally:

8. Subscriptions to magazines that tell me how to live my life.

Dumping all that personal garbage...ahhhh...I'm feeling better and more mature already.