The Computer Support Nightmare: Why Isn't My Computer Working?
Posted: Friday, June 06, 2008
by Danny Davids
More often than not, when I introduce myself to someone new and mention that I am a computer support guy, I get the response, "Really? I need to ask you something." And I groan inwardly. Now don't get me wrong. While I certainly don't mind sharing my knowledge, I can pretty much guarantee that the question will not be about a specific problem, but instead will be one of those all-encompassing queries that will require the better part of an evening to answer.
Like, "Why isn't my computer working?"
Or, "I just bought this [fill in high-tech device name]. How do I make it do [fill in desired function]?"
Why people automatically assume that computer people are an encyclopedia of everything technical is beyond me. It's not like we're wearing neon signs or have the words "I KNOW EVERYTHING" tattooed on our foreheads. (Those would be the politicians.)
Of course, being Mr. Nice Guy, I try to answer their questions politely. And because their question is so vague, my answer has to be equally noncommital. This doesn't make the questioner very happy, because it's obvious he or she wanted an instant solution to a problem that most likely has been building for a long time. Elphaba in "Wicked" got it absolutely right when she sang, "No good deed goes unpunished."
But even a polite, considerate, happy-go-lucky guy like me has his limits. One day somebody is going to catch me in a very, very bad mood. And when that happens, my answers will probably sound something like this:
First question: "Well, where would you like me to start? It could be any number of things. Maybe it's the fact that you indiscriminately download every infantile game, useless utility, and 'free junk' applet available on the Internet. When you do that, you also install adware, spyware, malware, and sometimes even viruses and Trojans that run in the background on your computer and bring your processor to a crawl. Perhaps it's those occasional visits to questionable sites that you don't want your boss or your spouse knowing about, sending pop-ups to your computer every time you turn the thing on. Oh, and when you get those illegal copies of games and software programs from your 'buddies', they're probably infecting you with all the viruses on their computers, too. In the event that you actually SPENT money on a LEGITIMATE game for your system, you probably have outdated hardware that it won't run on and need to spend considerable amounts of money to either upgrade the system or else just buy a new one--and no, I don't have any spare parts lying around that you can have, nor will I install for free anything you do happen to pick up at your local garage sale. But most likely you have a 'wetware' issue. You know, wetware--that brainy-looking thing that sits between the chair and the computer. You might consider getting some training to learn how to use your computer instead of just assuming that you can speak into the mouse like Scotty did in 'Star Trek IV' and the computer will automatically know what you want. Better yet, just get rid of the thing and join the 'Big Chief Brigade'--in other words, go back to using paper and pencil, since you obviously don't want to accept the responsibility of learning how to use the equipment you own!"
Second question: "Well, seeing as how I didn't design the item in question, write the software, do the Q & A testing, consult with a plethora of vendors on how to make it compatible with every other item on the market, or document the device, I couldn't answer that question. But hey, here's an idea! There's this little booklet that probably came with your device. It's called a 'manual'. Try reading it sometime. I'll bet you'll be amazed at just how much you can learn about your device!"
Don't I wish...!
But lucky me, I've discovered the magic phrase that eliminates the need to scour my memory banks for either an acceptable answer or a polite way of saying "I have no idea." It absolves me from all responsibility and practically guarantees the questioner won't bother me ever again. And lucky you, I'm willing to share this magic phrase for free. It could come in handy for you computer folk out there, and can probably be adapted to other fields of knowledge as well. And here it is:
"My going rate for consultations is $75 an hour. Now, what was your question again?"
Or, "I just bought this [fill in high-tech device name]. How do I make it do [fill in desired function]?"
Why people automatically assume that computer people are an encyclopedia of everything technical is beyond me. It's not like we're wearing neon signs or have the words "I KNOW EVERYTHING" tattooed on our foreheads. (Those would be the politicians.)
Of course, being Mr. Nice Guy, I try to answer their questions politely. And because their question is so vague, my answer has to be equally noncommital. This doesn't make the questioner very happy, because it's obvious he or she wanted an instant solution to a problem that most likely has been building for a long time. Elphaba in "Wicked" got it absolutely right when she sang, "No good deed goes unpunished."
But even a polite, considerate, happy-go-lucky guy like me has his limits. One day somebody is going to catch me in a very, very bad mood. And when that happens, my answers will probably sound something like this:
First question: "Well, where would you like me to start? It could be any number of things. Maybe it's the fact that you indiscriminately download every infantile game, useless utility, and 'free junk' applet available on the Internet. When you do that, you also install adware, spyware, malware, and sometimes even viruses and Trojans that run in the background on your computer and bring your processor to a crawl. Perhaps it's those occasional visits to questionable sites that you don't want your boss or your spouse knowing about, sending pop-ups to your computer every time you turn the thing on. Oh, and when you get those illegal copies of games and software programs from your 'buddies', they're probably infecting you with all the viruses on their computers, too. In the event that you actually SPENT money on a LEGITIMATE game for your system, you probably have outdated hardware that it won't run on and need to spend considerable amounts of money to either upgrade the system or else just buy a new one--and no, I don't have any spare parts lying around that you can have, nor will I install for free anything you do happen to pick up at your local garage sale. But most likely you have a 'wetware' issue. You know, wetware--that brainy-looking thing that sits between the chair and the computer. You might consider getting some training to learn how to use your computer instead of just assuming that you can speak into the mouse like Scotty did in 'Star Trek IV' and the computer will automatically know what you want. Better yet, just get rid of the thing and join the 'Big Chief Brigade'--in other words, go back to using paper and pencil, since you obviously don't want to accept the responsibility of learning how to use the equipment you own!"
Second question: "Well, seeing as how I didn't design the item in question, write the software, do the Q & A testing, consult with a plethora of vendors on how to make it compatible with every other item on the market, or document the device, I couldn't answer that question. But hey, here's an idea! There's this little booklet that probably came with your device. It's called a 'manual'. Try reading it sometime. I'll bet you'll be amazed at just how much you can learn about your device!"
Don't I wish...!
But lucky me, I've discovered the magic phrase that eliminates the need to scour my memory banks for either an acceptable answer or a polite way of saying "I have no idea." It absolves me from all responsibility and practically guarantees the questioner won't bother me ever again. And lucky you, I'm willing to share this magic phrase for free. It could come in handy for you computer folk out there, and can probably be adapted to other fields of knowledge as well. And here it is:
"My going rate for consultations is $75 an hour. Now, what was your question again?"
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Top-level comments on this article: (4 total)hi danny, well wriiten and whitty. my mom was a nurse, and she would go through similar situations. everyone wanted to know why this hurt, or what she could do about that, always after putting in an 8 hour shift already. her kids, however, when telling her their elbow hurt when they bent it, she would simply say, then don't bend it! best regards, sueSue, your mom could have made a small fortune by utilizing my closing line! Glad you enjoyed.
Hi Danny. This was a joy to read. Funny and yet so true. I LOVE your cure all! Thanks, DianneThe fact that I'm not independently wealthy as of this writing, Dianne, shows how successful it is.
Hey my Hard Drive died. I tried it all and then decided to call and see if my maintenance agreement was still in effect. No. The man from somewhere over far away in a broken English voice said " we can fix it for $39.00 we know how. I said sure the drive is gone. He said no we have experts and they have saved situations like this many times. I said not this time but i'll give it a shot since you are so confident. So I say to him if you do not fix it I want my $39.00 back just for saying hello. He says don't worry, as they seem to always say, we can. So after being bounced around I get a nice person on the phone. We spend about 45 minutes and he says, well your hard drive is gone, died needs to be replaced.Thank you for telling me what this bovine American already knew. To make a long story short we haven't lost it over here. They may say so but they forget who trains them and they forget these people do not think out of the box, just facts my friends. So he discounted the new drive at 1/2 instead of reimbursing me the $39.00 $50.00 plus shipping total OOP about $95.00. I did not care to go through "Customer Service becuase this compaines name rhymes with hell and past experiences by experience and opinion have been just that.Robert, doesn't sound like you're part of the "Big Chief Brigade." Thank goodness! Sorry you had such grief over your repair issue. For the record, we too own rhymes-with-Hell computers and the two times there have been problems we've had very good support, even when dealing with people from across the ocean. However, I've had my fair share of support personnel who I had to hand-hold while they were supporting me! :P
Danny, I was guilty of doing this BUT have changed my ways. You share this in with good humor. Can't remember who said it but your closing line is perfect! I think of it as a like a repellant!Avis, I'm glad you're learning! :)Yes Danny, I'm learning to write, too. It's a wonder you could understand that comment. :)
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