Going Green? Why Not Go All the Way?

I was scanning an article the other day from an author who told of her experiences with lawncare in the desert climate of Los Angeles. She lamented how expensive it was to maintain a well-manicured lawn, complained about how people were wasting drinking water to maintain green grass and plants, and fussed over how exhaust fumes from lawncare appliances put more pollutive gasses into the air than automobiles. She then shared her decision to "go green" and have fake grass installed in her yard. That's right, she paid good money (and lots of it!) to tear up her grass and put down modified Astroturf instead. Now she and her family don't have to waste precious water or pollute the air to have a nice-looking lawn. It's their way of helping to save the environment.

Oh, please, spare me. The author didn't give a rat's behind about the environment; she wanted a green lawn (in this case, "green" meaning colorful, not environmentally friendly). All those comments about saving water and reducing pollution were nothing more than a way to be politically correct and earn brownie points with her readership. How do I know? Because if she had thought about it, she would have realized her fake lawn is made of plastic. And plastic comes from oil. She tore up renewable organic sources that pull carbon dioxide from the air and replace it with oxygen, provide homes and food for countless organisms, and absorb heat from the sun and the air to help cool down the planet's temperature. She replaced them with a product that was produced in a factory using a non-renewable fossil fuel (the byproducts of which are now floating around in our air and water), and now lies sterile and barren on the ground, reflecting heat back into the atmosphere instead of absorbing it, thus raising the ground temperature and contributing to global warming. Gee, thanks ever so much for caring!

If the people who want to save the planet are truly concerned about the impact their actions have on the environment, I say put your money where your mouth is and go green -- and I mean REALLY green. Here are a few things you can try.

Stop using fossil fuels and their byproducts. You don't use a gas-powered lawnmower anymore. Big deal. You could have saved the grass and used a push mower. Go green in a big way and give up that automobile you drive around. That'll reduce the amount of pollutants you put into the air every year in a big way. And your plastic lawn? It'll last forever. Centuries after you're dead and gone, your fake lawn will still look pretty in a landfill, never breaking down, never contributing to the cycle of life whatsoever. Your great-great-great grandchildren will have to figure out how to grow crops hydroponically because their "soil" will actually be ground-up Tupperware and Glad Ziplock Storage Bags and old pleather clothing and grocery bags from Walmart. You care about those future generations, right?

Decry wood and paper products. Sure, trees are a renewable resource. Still, do you know how long it takes to grow a tree? They don't mature overnight; it takes awhile. And our precious environment can't afford to wait even ten or twenty years for these plants to grow back. So stop using paper bags for your groceries. No more purchasing wood furniture for your home. And your home...hey, those things are framed from wood, right? Move out in protest! Find a nice, naturally-formed cave to move into. And no more toilet paper. It's time to resort to using leaves to clean yourself. Unless you find it's time to move to the next level of planet-saving...

Swear off plants and animals. Every time you murder an animal or pluck an innocent plant from the ground for either food or clothing, you're destroying Mother Earth. You've knocked an irreparable dent in the cycle of life. Let life be. Leave the plants and animals to live in peace and harmony. Learn to eat, um, something else. Maybe all that plastic you've been using. It may taste terrible, but at least it'll come out somewhat useful in the end.

Reduce the human impact. So you want to get married, have kids, raise a family. Do you know how much one human being affects this planet? We have power! We have control! We can change the course of history and the environment! So the fewer people around to screw things up, the better. You want a family? Build one. Plastic lasts, remember?

Eliminate your carbon footprint altogether. Of course, the ultimate sacrifice for the planet would be to remove your footprint from the Earth completely. If we all did this, just think what a wonderful world this would be for our progeny! Wouldn't you agree? (If your answer is "yes", we need to have a serious talk...!)

All this over someone's need to make people think she's sacrificing for the planet. Do I think anybody is going to take me seriously? Lord, I hope not. On the other hand, if someone does decide to try all these steps, I'd really like to follow their progress. Especially on that last step. GO GREEN!