Parenting Tips – Exposing the Lies Behind Popular Child-Raising Myths
Posted: Tuesday, July 25, 2006
by Danny Davids
Ever have something happen that’s so unexpected you don’t know how to respond? I had one of those types of experiences this week. I was walking in a public place during the lunch hour, and four children came out of a fast-food restaurant. They were headed directly towards me, and I kept waiting for them to look up and move to their right to pass me. It never happened. The oldest child, a girl who couldn’t have been more than 15, looked at me and said, “Well, ex- cuse me!" I stopped walking and responded, “I beg your pardon?" She immediately shot back, “Get out of my way, fool!" She and her young companions laughed as they moved past me, obviously enjoying the fact that they had just told off an “old man". All I could do was stand there and watch them walk away, absolutely dumbfounded at what I had just witnessed.
Anyway, this incident started me thinking. I remember how my wife and I raised our two children. I remember how I was brought up, and I remember the stories my parents told me about how they were raised. Nobody in any of those three generations of kids would have been allowed to speak to an adult in that manner. An apology to the adult would have been mandatory. Following that, punishment ranging from a mouth-washing with soap to some serious corporal punishment on the backside would have commenced.
I can hear the laughter. “Yeah, he’s old-fashioned, all right. WE don’t raise OUR kids that way anymore." I know. Maybe that’s why today’s children act the way they do. I could make all kinds of points as to why that’s the case, but I believe one of the biggest reasons is that parents these days really don’t want to raise their kids. Oh, sure. They don’t mind going to the soccer practices and the swim meets and taking the kids to the theme park, because those are the fun times. When it comes to the really hard part of having to teach and train and discipline, they’d rather let the grandparents and the day-care center and the school system and the television and the neighbor kid’s parents take care of it. Parents today need to realize that having children isn’t just about reproduction. It’s also about production – producing children that will grow into mature, responsible adults who will help to benefit, and not burden, society.
You don’t think that’s the case? Want proof? Listen to these statements, which I hear frequently from parents and read in various parenting articles. Then find out what parents who say these things are REALLY teaching their children!
My child deserves all the things in life I never had growing up. The parent is saying, “I had to go without. You won’t have to." When I hear of parents spending several thousand dollars on a six-year- old’s birthday party, or renting a condo on the beach for the after-prom party for their son and all his friends, I can only conclude these parents had a pretty pitiful childhood indeed. What trauma they must have gone through as children when they didn’t get an expensive bash at a high-end hotel for their 13 th birthday, or a $50,000 sports car at graduation! What parents are teaching their children is that everything they want should be given to them. These kids never learn how to work for something they really want. That affects everything they do – how they perform in school, on the job, in society as a whole. By the way, in a situation like this there’s a corollary that you should remember: The amount of money a parent spends on a child’s entertainment is inversely proportional to the amount of time the parent spends with that child. Every divorced parent can attest to that one. And I can’t think of a more perfect segue to the next parenting myth…!
When spending time with my children, quality is more important than quantity. Oh, really? The next time you talk to a child whose parents are divorced and have joint custody, ask that child if he’d rather have 15 minutes of quality time with his parents, or six hours of non-quality time. Better yet, ask the same question of an adult who has survived her parents’ divorce. Kids want time with their parents, and they selfishly want a lot of it. No child ever said, “Gee, Mom, the past 20 minutes with you have been top drawer. You can go on with your life now." You know what’s really sad about this one? Nobody has EVER explained exactly what “quality time" REALLY is. Is it 30 minutes of an intense educational experience at a local museum? Is it a 20-minute bike ride around the neighborhood? Is it ten minutes of reading to your kids before bedtime? And exactly who determines whether time is of sufficient quality to be deemed acceptable? (I’m guessing the children aren’t the ones who get to make the call.) Children who hear this statement quickly learn that Mom and Dad have more important things to do than spend time with them. It doesn’t take the kids long to realize that careers, social functions, and pretty much everything else come before they do. And don’t think that won’t show up in the way they behave (or don’t).
It’s important to be my child’s friend. The parent who believes this thinks that if he acts like a friend to his child instead of like a parent, the child will feel comfortable coming to him to share things that may be uncomfortable or difficult. How stupid do you think your kid is, anyway? No matter how close you think you are to your child, she is going to talk to her friends (or even total strangers!) about certain subjects before she comes to you! Children have enough friends trying to get them in trouble and lead them down the wrong paths. They need a parent who will set limits and keep them from getting involved in something that’s more than they can handle. Many times either my wife or I would tell our girls they could use us as a scapegoat when their friends wanted them to do something they were uncomfortable doing. We were being strict, disciplinarian, old-fashioned parents – and as such, probably the best friend they ever had.
My child needs to express himself without feeling inhibited or threatened. Ah. Wouldn’t it be nice if I could do that as an adult? I could mouth off to my boss or tell off my wife and there would be no repercussions. Unfortunately, in the real world there are consequences for my actions. My boss may allow me to finish my tirade, only to reply, “I understand. You don’t like it here. You’re fired." My wife may respond by having me sleep on the couch that night - or having her lawyer contact me to discuss making some long-term (and expensive!) changes in our relationship. Parents who let their children do whatever they want are teaching them they don’t need to establish boundaries between other people and themselves. And my incident from last week shows me the kids are getting it! The day will come, however, when that freedom of expression will result in harm to the child (or adult). What a great way for a parent to show a child how much he is loved…not!
Children need to experience things first-hand in order to understand them. This one’s been making the rounds in areas other than just parenting circles. The thinking here is that unless you’ve gone through something difficult or traumatic, you can’t possibly understand what another person is going through. I don’t know about you, but I wasn’t about to let my daughters test the waters in areas like illegal drugs, alcohol, pre-marital sex, STDs, gangs, prostitution, teen pregnancy, or suicide to figure out that these things could be harmful to them! This is why we have things like books and fairy tales and stories with a moral, so that people can learn from the mistakes of others without having to make the same mistakes themselves. Allowing a child to do whatever he wants just so he can learn about the world around him puts him in danger, and in this day and age, could be legally considered child abuse! Take this path, and a parent is teaching her child that he is not important enough to be protected.
Children need to make up their own minds on what is right for them. Now this one just makes me angry. Children don’t have the reasoning power, or the wisdom and life experience, to make crucial decisions. Heck, many adults can’t figure it out! What makes people think children can? Children who get no moral or spiritual compass in their parents learn that anything goes, that everything is permissible, and that nobody else can tell a person what to do. It’s too bad that the real world doesn’t work this way. The child will learn eventually that Mom and Dad were wrong on this one, too.
Parenting isn’t an easy job. But it’s one that has to be done. When parents abdicate their responsibilities, they end up with children who are unruly, troublesome, and headed for major difficulties for themselves and everyone around them. Don’t cop out. Buckle down and be a parent to your kids. You may have some areas to correct, and your kids may not understand the changes. But finish the job you started nine months before they were born. You, they, and all of society will be better for it.
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