Tips for Married Women – How to Romance Your Husband
Posted: Tuesday, September 19, 2006
by Danny Davids
Ladies, many of you probably think you’re the romantic in your marriage. Your husband, frankly, is clueless when it comes to romance. You have to practically beg him to say “I love you". You grab his hand when you walk together (and he keeps pulling it away). You can barely get him to remember your anniversary, and when he does remember and brings you a gift, more often than not it came from the head, not from the heart. After all, men think logically, women think emotionally. There’s no doubt that women rule when it comes to romance. Right?
You might be surprised to find out you’re wrong. In her book “How to Make Anyone Fall in Love With You", author Leil Lowndes reveals that women are better at romance (with a small “r") than men when it comes to the little things, like holding hands and remembering important dates. But men are the clear winners when it comes to Romance (with a capital “R"). They initiate serious relationships more frequently than women do; they are more idealistic about love; they’re more adversely affected by breakups, and more willing to work out problems in the relationship; and they rate their spouses/lovers higher in their social pecking order.
What does this mean for you, ladies? It means your husband is aware of what romance is – and he needs romance just as much as you do! But remember, romance for you means doing the little things. Romance for your husband is viewed on a much larger canvas. You need to work in his world, give him Romance (note that capital “R" again) in a way he’ll understand. That doesn’t always mean purely physical, so you can breathe a little easier (and please, put away the big satin ribbon and stiletto heels). Here are some ways you can show your significant other that you know how to romance him in ways he’ll understand and appreciate!
Reassure Him You’re There for the Long Haul If your husband’s being a bit of a jerk because he’s having a rough day (week, month, year), it’s a good time to let him know you’re there for him. Maybe you need to fix his favorite dinner, offer to rub his back, or run a hot tub for him (yes, guys do like baths once in awhile). He may be a bit taken aback by the attention. If he asks why you’re going to all the trouble, you can tell him the truth: “I love you no matter what, and I just wanted you to know that." You reinforce to him that you love him for who he is, not what he does. You emphasize that this area of his life is stable and secure, even if others aren’t. And you keep it simple. Guys don’t always need to know the details; the bottom line usually will suffice. For his part, it can help relieve a lot of pressure and make him a bit easier to live with.
Treat Him to Something He Really Likes You love going shopping at the mall; he’d rather spend his time at the computer warehouse or the sporting goods superstore. There’s nothing you enjoy more than lunch at your favorite tea shoppe ; his idea of a great meal is heading over to the all-you-can-eat steak buffet restaurant. Your idea of a good movie is something you can laugh and cry at; he’d rather see a shoot-‘ em -up action flick. Break down, ladies. Do something he wants to do for a change. It doesn’t have to be a daily thing, but it should be a regular occurrence. So what if you don’t really care for go- karting ? Would you have gone with him before you got married? I’ll bet you would have. Letting him call the shots when it comes to entertainment for the two of you shows him you think his likes and interests are important. And I’ll bet the next time you want to go somewhere you like, he won’t be as quick to complain…!
Offer Him Time Off He works a full-time job. He helps around the house with the cooking and cleaning and laundry and…okay, so he picks up after himself more often than not. He does have that infamous “honey-do" list to work on, though. And his evenings and weekends are booked up with all of your social activities. So how do you romance a guy who’s constantly on the go? Simple…you give him some time off. Give him the freedom to enjoy that Saturday morning round of golf with his buddies, or go see his favorite ball team play a couple of times a month during the season. Don’t be surprised if this one backfires on you, though – when he tells you to take off with your friends for the afternoon while he watches the kids – and tells you to pick up that nice new dress you’ve been eyeing for awhile.
Have That Intimate Talk – and Listen Your macho-acting, sports-loving, bear of a man husband doesn’t mind talking to you about a variety of topics. Amazingly, he really can open up to you about your relationship. You just have to let him do it on his terms. That does NOT mean sitting down next to him during the football game and asking “Honey, how do you feel about our marriage?" You’re likely to get a grunted, “ It’s fine," and then he’ll be engrossed in the game again. If you need to talk, wait until his task-oriented mind isn’t involved in a major task. Initiate the conversation if you have to, but pay attention to the verbal clues he gives you that indicate he wants to talk. And then…listen. Don’t criticize, don’t compliment, don’t even comment. Let him do the talking. You’d be surprised at just how much information he is willing to share with you when he doesn’t feel that he’s being threatened or manipulated.
Gender Translation Some of you ladies are looking at this list and thinking, “Good grief! This looks like my husband’s birthday wish list! What’s so romantic about any of this stuff? I can’t do this! It’s too hard!" The fact is your husband considers this stuff romantic. It doesn’t make any difference that you don’t, because he thinks using a different algorithm than you do. As for the difficulty issue, do you think it’s easy for guys to do the hand-holding, maintain intimate small talk, and the like? Some of them really struggle with meeting their wives’ needs! So buck up and (dare I say it?) stop thinking like a female! Your husband WILL appreciate these things!
Then there will be the few who will claim that all of these actions and attitudes seem a little, oh, I don’t know…sexist, perhaps? I have to respond by asking this: Is it sexist for a man to show his wife that he cares for her, by working his job and providing for his family, by fixing things around the house, by showing her in the little ways that he loves her? If not, then neither is it sexist for a woman to show her husband she cares for him in the ways mentioned above. It’s a matter of meeting the other person’s needs in a way he (and she!) can understand. If that’s sexist, then I guess we’d all better be guilty if we want to maintain the kind of relationship that lasts a lifetime. And is it worth it?
Additional sources for this article include Amazon.com and Sandstorming.com .
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More commentsWomen need to realize, WE, over complicate things. WE read too much into something so simple. WE over-analyize a lot of things that men may not even think twice about. I have been married, divorced, and now I am re-married. My marriage now is wonderful. We have people that admit they are jealous. Even his friends have told him they want what we have. If his friends are around, let him be a guy! Men need the ego boost the way we need the reassurance. It is a two way street. My husband is my best friend. Another tip, if there is something wrong around the house or you have had a bad day, do not bombard him the second he walks in the door. Give him time to unwind. GREAT ARTICLE!
I agree, this was a wonderful article, and all too true. My husband is a Marine, and one thing that I do that really makes his day- is when he comes off duty (he usually has to work 24 on 24 off) is I take off his boots for him. In the process of undressing him, I try to rub on his feet and arms because I know how stressful his job is. It's just a little bit of pampering but it makes him feel appreciated. It also helps him open up and vent about his day. One more thing I like to do is write him little notes before I go to bed and leave them in the drivers seat of his truck. Obviously we're on different sleep schedules, so when he leaves for work it's a way for me to tell him thank you and I love you while I'm still asleep in bed. Also, when you make sure to take time to appreciate the little things he does for you- it makes him much more inclined to do more.I'm not a doctor or a therapist- but one thing I have noticed with my husband and many past relationships is that men DO care abotu romance, it's just all about timing. Men feel a need to be macho in public because that is what society dictates to them. Romance him in the private of your own home. My hubby loves coming home to his favorite dinner hot on the candle lit table and me all dolled up. Give it a try. You'll blow his socks off, promise.
Quote from ANGEL - "Men need to be Macho in Public because that is what society dictates to them...."Response - Try walking in a man's shoes for a day or two and you'll find that Being Macho is Not Just a Need Arising of Social Dictation, but it is MORE A DEFENCE MECHANISM - AGAINST OTHER MEN, AND AGAINST ANYONE ELSE TRYING TO HURT OR HARM THEIR FAMILIES OR THEIR CHILDREN. We still live in a Jungle - the scape might have changed - Earlier it was Trees, Now it is Concrete - But it a Jungle All Right Still. The game of Predators and Prey is still on. How Much Ever though Women may claim to have become "Equal" to Men, the day they face the World in a Man's shoes, and come across the extremely Aggressive Competition that Each One of them has to face Day In and Day Out, Women WILL Crack ! For Evidence, just imagine a day when the Law and Governance in Your Area Collapses Entirely, and you are left with nothing but your own self to fend for your family. It is then that the true stoic nature of a Man surfaces. More often than not, he will immediately start serving Two Roles Simultaneously - One, the First Line of Defence for his family, and Two, the First Engine of Thought, Decision and Action. It is then that the True Value of his Task-Oriented Nature becomes understood. A Woman will start crying and shrieking, but the man will start thinking and deciding - about the best way out. Not that he does not feel the same fears as the Woman - he does - but given the Urgency of the Situation at hand he will have to shed off, at Electric Speed, the millions of Emotional Impulses that cross his brain every second. Is it because it is "Learnt" behaviour, as the feminists would have you think ? Wrong. It is because, down the Ages, it were men like these that were able to successfully defend their families against these Grave Perils, and hence their genes have become propagated more than those of other types. It was all Natural Selection at Work. And is not someone who thinks that they can Undo some Million years of Evolution with 20 years of feminism, to put it very mildly, putting their Intelligence, or their Intentions, under Question ? The Male Toughness saved the human race for Millenia; and now when the Male Labour and Effort has made the World much safer for females to venture professionally into, the latter have suddenly turned around and started calling the very Toughness as Unwanted and Undesirable. Is that Not What you Call Selfishness ? Why are females better than Men then ?Feminism, or more correctly Radical Feminism, was never inspired with an ideology. It rather had very strong Commercial Objectives behind the Facade of Female Liberalisation. These Commercial Objectives were the necessity-children of the the big Banking and Financial Houses of the West, called Greed. I could have named the organisations but am not doing it - do a search on Google and you will find out. The plain intelligence behind the move was - Break Up the Family, Create more Lonely People, and More Single Mothers, and that will Immediately Double the Available Workforce. When that happens, Supply of Labour will go up, thus Bringing down its Demand, and hence its Price. Now, you have Twice the amount of Labour Available for the Same Amount of Expenditure. The immediate Benefit - Hugely Increased Profit. The Other Benefits - With More Cheap Labour Available, More Businesses could be set up, leading to more business borrowing, and that to Much Higher Rates of Interest on Borrowed Funds, and thus Much Higher Turnovers for the Financial Houses. And for that Reason, the Plan was put into action. Radical Feminism, finding the Original Feminist Movement as a Good Vehicle for its cause, hijacked it and set it rolling its way. The Seeds of Hatred between the Sexes was planted, watered and manured with great care. Huge grants were given to Universities and Educational Institutions to Open and Promote Courses in Women's Studies, all of which seated deeply the Hatred for Men in the minds of its students, most of whom were Women. Small Misunderstandings between Men and Women had always existed; what this movement did was to Magnify these out of Proportion. Then came the lateral benefits. TV shows casting Women in the Victim Status became very popular, and most of the viewers of these shows were women. These shows then started attracting High Revenue Advertising from companies producing and Marketing Items for Women. As More money came in, the Funding for the Hatred Programmes Increased; this again brought up more Women as Victim cases on TV.......More Cases, More Funding....More Funding, More Cases.......and the Vicious Cycle went on. And these succeeded by attacking one very Vulnerable Area in the Female Psyche....Emotion.If you need further evidence of this, I suggest you go and read Dr. Warren Farrell's works on his website (his name dot com). Dr. Warren Farrell had been selected thrice on the Board of the National Organisation for Women (NOW) and was a widely acclaimed feminist speaker and scientist (in my view he still is), until one day he accidentally asked this question - "If Men are Paid Higly than Women, why would companies hire Men ?". But that was one the most Pathbreaking Questions ever asked, that helped take Feminism out the Woman-Victim shell it was retreating into, and Put in on its Right Path.(By the way, I am in no way related to Dr. Warren Farrell. I discovered him a few days ago, and have been blown beyond my imagination with his thoroughly incisive and insightful writings, and have since become his Fan. His books are available for purchase on his website, and are very reasonable priced. This is not an advertisement for Dr. Farrell, simply because he is a supremely established authority in this area, and requires little of my recommendations.)Sadly, what I find to have cost Women to become "equal" to men in this way is a Priceless Attribute they had - their Own Creativity. When I was a kid, I used to see many girls involved in exquisite extra-curriculars like needlework and knitting, designing breathtaking Traditional Wear, and creating such fine works of craft. Now-a-days, that seems to be all lost. This way, I feel Women have lost a big area in which they could have created independent businesses of their own, and transformed these once home-made commodities into items of big trade. Not to mention the huge number of women who today find themselves stuck in jobs that they do not seem to be able to enjoy.Women do not need to become "equal" to men by becoming men; they have a lot more to offer by being more themselves than by becoming their opposite gender. It is sad that they have been caught by the false picture of Leaders as Men. A lot of Leadership qualities that are found in Men are in fact taught by their Mothers. Thus it is Women who lead men. Women Lead Men, Men Lead Women, Women Lead Men.....it is this cycle that has existed forever. And Women have done this all through by being Women, not Men. It is only in these recent times that when Women have tried to change their natures into masculine, that they have lost touch with themselves and have found themsleves lost for an answer.However, that does not mean that Women should lose all that they have achieved from true Feminism. The Right to Education, Right to Work, Equal Rights in Society are all something that should fight hard to Preserve. Because a truly educated Woman is a blessing for her family. Her spouse benefits from it, her children benefit from it. The Woman is actually the True Core of the family. SHE is what creates a Family. SHE is like the Flower of Creation, and the Man is a fence around her, protecting her and her creation. SHE is what keeps the Eternal Cycle of Continuity alive. And the better she is informed, the better decisions she can take about utilising the resources that the man brings to her for the benefit of everyone in her family. The fruits that have been obtained from True Feminism should not be wasted.However, speaking about the Imaginary Situation (Collapse of Law and Governance) at the very beginning of my comment, it is true that one would not face that situation everyday. However, that is a Macroscopic view; if you were to look down into everyday's Microscopic situation, you'd fins that men experience the Molecular Versions of the same situation day in and day out, and thus are shaped to be the way they are, and will continue to be so, unless some drastic change in our social and genetic makeup happens. And if, God Forbid, the imaginary situation we described were to come true some day, then the Macroscopic Version of the Male Reality would too.It is very unwise to think that Men can be Men only if Women let them to, Men can act Macho only if Women let them to....Men will be Men, because deep down somewhere within their genetic memory, they have already been programmed to be so. Men do not act tough because the society dictates them to - they act tough because that is their LOVE towards you, a deep down instinct, a gut feeling, a sixth sense that tells them that they need to be strong so that they can protect you and your family, which in fact, is his too. That is the most precious thing he shares with you. It is their LOVE. A man's Love lies in the toughness that he bears for You, in the Sweat that he sheds for You. When you realise that, you will stop buying him deodorant the next time you go shopping, and love his sharp, metallic smell instead!Does that mean that he is any different from you? No, Certainly Not. Deep Down Inside, a Man is a Woman. In fact, the Garb of Toughness that he seems to don comes from the same feelings that You have too - Protecting Your Family. It is just that Men have more Testosterone, convert more Food into Muscle, and hence have Greater Body Strength. It is also that they work with more men, and hence know exactly how other men can come and harm and exploit your family. Other Men are Tough. So to Counter them, he has to be Tough Too. So that's that reason for the Outer Armor of Toughness that you find your Man to Carry most of the time. But Wait; as I said, Deep Down Inside, a Man is also a Woman. So at some point of time, when he feels relatively secure about his family, don't be surprised if he opens up and pours his heart out to you. But as a man, he gets that luxury much less than you have; his gut instincts about the outside world don't let him to keep down his armor. Don't misunderstand a man's toughness - its his LOVE for you, that he himself doesn't understand most of the time, because he has been so conditioned by his experiences. If you find that the toughness goes a bit too much (one that you call "Passive Aggressiveness") I think it is more of his inability to let his guard down, and you would then have to try alternate ways. One way might be to talk to the woman inside him - like you would talk to any girl friend of yours - girl talk. If that also does not work, you might try counselling with family, counselling with friends, social counselling, religious counselling (at the Church), and as a last recourse, professional and/or psychiatric counselling.Don't be taken down with the soccer games too much (unless you really find it becoming an incurable addiction or a family breaker). Toughness is something you need to practice to keep, and the soccer and baseball games are a great way for him to test his strength and skills, and to keep his weapons sharp, without actually harming anyone.Women may be playing soccer and baseball, but their game will never be as furious, merciless and demanding as the male version of it. Test it out anyday and you'll see it for yourself.Men are Women too. The Genitals really don't matter too much. So why doesn't feminism also include them in its benefit ring ? By Opining that Men need to Act Tough just for "Showing Off" or for a "Social Need", and that they can Act Tough "when Women Allow them to", and that Women can do everything a man does and they only need to act weak and feminine to "satisfy the Male Ego", You are just insulting the Prime Emotion of a Human Being - Love. Men are NOT Idiots. They might not notice once or twice, but sooner or later they will see through your garb of frailty. NO - You CANNOT do everything that a Man Can; if you think you can, you are residing in the Paradise of the Unwise. You weren't created to do everything; if you had been, it wouldn't have taken 10,000 years for you to come out and start taking up responsibilities outside of home. Men worked outside the home for 10,000 years, making the world a better, safer place for you. So many men have given up their lives in this process that the Human Male Genetic Pool is left with only 40% of what it began with, whereas that of Women is well over 90%. Even today, if you compare statistics, you will find that in every Mishap, War or Dangerous Situation, it is at least 100-200 times more Men than Women that die. At any time, if it is a choice between a Male Life and a Female Life, it is the Female Life that is Saved and the Male that is Sacrificed, or left to Fend for itself. Respect Men for all that they have done for you, and stop thinking of them like toys in a dolls' marriage party. Stop trying to customise them to your own Likes and Dislikes. If you continue to do so, you will only put the future of your own progeny in Peril. Let Men be what they are. Let Men do what they have been Created to do. A Man's toughness is actually his way of showing love. Respect it, have Regard for it. If Sacrifice isn't the Supreme Proof of Love, what else is ? If you believe in God, then Love is something that God put into Human Beings. And by insulting this feeling of Love, you're insulting no one else but - GOD!Ideavolt, that wasn't a comment...that was an entire article! WOW! Thanks for sharing your take on the situation!
Looks like we got a good article here. I love it. Thanks a lot for this reading, Danny. Very good article.Glad you liked it, Clarence.
For my fiance, it absolutely means the world to him when I notice little things at his house that need to be done, or things he needs (or just wants) from the store and I do those things or pick up those things for him while I'm there, for no reason other than to let him know that I was paying attention to him, his needs, his wants and was thinking of him. It especially means a lot to him when he's really busy with his other commitments: work, school, etc. It lets him know that I understand he has a lot on his plate, and that I support what he's doing, and I want to do what I can to help him. It lets him know that I understand the pressures he's under and that I'm not upset with him that at that particular moment he doesn't have as much time for me.When he knows you understand what he's trying to accomplish and that you support him, he's more likely to make time for you to show you how much he appreciates you, even if it's just for a couple of minutes.Romance is really all about letting your significant other know how much they mean to you when it's not expected. You're expected to be romantic for Valentine's day and anniversaries, etc. But what about the rest of the year? He needs reassurance that you are there for him, no matter what, that you think about him throughout your day, that you appreciate him and all that he does. It's about putting that person ahead of yourself.
For all that the men in our lives do, they deserve a little romance too!K, your last statement speaks volumes. And guys, that can be reciprocated, you know! :) Thank you for sharing your experiences in this area.
Very helpful. Trying to think as simple as possible.Knowing my husband is easy by letting him what he wants to do. Im enjoying this....
Thanks for this article. Now i understand what man or a woman should consider to have a happy and healthy relationship. Sometimes, it's hard for me to share my hurt feelings with my husband as he's serious and i feel like he wont listen or accept it. Sometimes he will just ignore the problem and say that "there is no need to argue" and thats it. Of course im very open if i really made a mistake and i wanted to hear his side too. But it seems that i find it hard to have a deep conversation with him about our probs. What to do?
Thank you for sharing this. This is great. I am soooo guilty of not romancing him. He is soooo good to me. And I couldn't ask for anyone better. He is definitely God sent. It's always been about what I want because I bought he didn't care and I did. He sometimes tell me that men are simple creatures but never explains. And these are simple instructions and I thank u for explaining. I don't think that without this I would have understood what that meant.
well,this article is very simple and understandable by every girl who enters into the project called marriage.but my doubt is how to start romance at the initial stage sir??
Thanks for the article. I didn't know Romance could be simply surprising my husband with simple things. I always thought I should do more and it quite difficult just trying to comprehend him.
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